Milk Before Meat

A dear friend showed me this, and it mirrors my feelings very well so enjoy while my own anti-twilight column comes to fruition.

"From a male point of view, the only redeeming feature of the Twilight books and movies is the ammunition they provide against female claims of innate moral superiority over men.

Whenever a woman criticizes a man’s lust, aggression, shallowness or any other lesser angel of his personality, the quick-witted fellow can point to the millions of women addicted to the base, insipid, bad-boy-worshiping, misogynist syrup so many female viewers of all ages knelt to this past weekend, when The Twilight Saga: New Moon raked in $147 million at the box office, setting several records.

In the spirit of speaking truth to diamond-skinned power, enjoy this list of unfortunate lessons girls learn from Twilight. (The list operates under the principle that any grownup female who embraces Twilight’s junior-high dreck temporarily sacrifices her “woman card.”)

And so, with an insincere “love is forever,” we begin.

1. Secrets are good — especially life-threatening ones.
2. It’s OK for a potential romantic interest to be dimwitted, violent and vengeful — as long as he has great
   
3. If a boy tells you to stay away from him because he is dangerous and may even kill you, he must be the love of your life. You should stay with him since he will keep you safe forever.
4. If a boy leaves you, especially suddenly (while telling you he will never see you again), it is because he loves you so much he will suffer just to keep you safe.
5. When a boy leaves you, going into shock, losing all your friends and enduring night terrors are completely acceptable occurrences — as long as you keep your grades up.
6. It is extremely romantic to put yourself in dangerous situations in order to see your ex-boyfriend again. It’s even more romantic to remember the sound of his voice when he yelled at you.
7. Boys who leave you always come back.
8. Because they come back, you should hold out, waiting for them for months, even when completely acceptable and less-abusive alternative males present themselves.
9. Even though you have no intention of dating an alternative male who expresses interest in you, it is fine to string the young man along for months. Also, you should use him to fix things for you. Maybe he’ll even buy you something.
10. You should use said male to fix things because girls are incapable of anything mechanical or technical.
11. Lying to your parents is fine. Lying to your parents while you run away to save your suicidal boyfriend is an extremely good idea that shows your strength and maturity. Also, it is what you must do.
12. Car theft in the service of love is acceptable.
13. If the boy you are in love with causes you (even indirectly) to be so badly beaten you end up in the hospital, you should tell the doctors and your family that you “fell down the steps” because you are such a silly, clumsy girl. That false explanation always works well for abused women.
14. Men can be changed for the better if you sacrifice everything you are and devote yourself to their need for change.
15. Young women should make no effort to improve their social skills or emotional state. Instead, they should seek out potential mates that share their morose deficiencies and emotional illnesses.
16. Girls shouldn’t always read a book series just because everyone else has.
17. When writing a book series, it’s acceptable to lift seminal source material and bastardize it with tired, overwrought teenage angst.
18. When making or watching a major feature film, you should gleefully embrace the 20 minutes of plot it provides in between extended segments of vacant-eyed silence and self-indulgent, moaning banter.
19. Vampires — once among the great villains of literature and motion pictures — are no longer scary. In fact, they’re every bit as whiny, self-absorbed and impotent as any human being.

Gods, Princes, and Devils.

The Gods( in a Pantheistic Sense):


Mr. Right:




The Princes: These guys are good, but they are flawed in one way or another.
Here is the breakdown.



"Hey Look, I'm prettier than you are."
"Hi, My name is _____ and I am a completely straight, heterosexual male and I can't leave the house without product in my hair, girl jeans, shoes that look like they could be worn by my sister, in a t-shirt without some gaudy jacket, I spend more time on my hair than you think about guys. I am not only a complete pansy but I will likely never find a self-respecting girl to date."

There is nothing wrong with some fashion sense, but wearing womanly clothes that are two sizes too small is like putting sign on your forehead that says: "If I were a girl I'd be prettier than you, but since I'm not, I'm going to try anyway."

Lesson to learn: The following accessories are totally off limits for guys: Bracelets, earrings, any item of clothing that looks better on a girl, no Prada or anything like it. Anything that might cause a group of normal guys to make fun of you.

PS(picture) What the freak is this guy wearing? Since when do dudes try to out dress Gisele Bundchen?

"Let me Come down and help you."
This guy is great, at least that is what he thinks. These self-adorned PhD's think that since they have read a book about psychology, especially by our dear friend Freud, that they not only understand the subject completely, but have silently committed to form doctor-patient relationships with random people, mostly girls, using their imaginary license to practice their vast knowledge of "Oh I know what is wrong with you."

...

He will form everlasting opinions about you after thirty seconds of conversation and after one night will sum you up in three words. And of course he is right, he is always right. Also, if you take it further, he will start telling you how and why you feel, why you are having a bad day, and why you struggle in life. In fact he is so brilliant that when you are getting frustrated by his incessant 'mind reading' that he never even considers that his telling you what to do and how to feel could possibly annoy you in any way shape or form....because he is right, so you should listen to him. He is the guy who, after every encounter has a smug, "I knew it" look on his face. He views you as a broken porcelain doll that he will personally put back together. Too bad he can't figure out how to get somebody to actually like him.

Lesson to learn: Pretending to read people's minds when you can't=stupid.
Lesson to learn: Condescending to help somebody when you are too dumb to help yourself=really annoying.




"My Trust Fund=My Personality."
Ok, so this guy is the eternal one-upper who spends most of the time devising knew ways to let you know that he is, in fact, richer than you are, and that he is totally independent because of he amount of money that his parents put into his offshore bank account. Ok, so in reality, it might not be this bad, but we all know these people. He honestly thinks that he is 'self-made' because he graduated from a college that inevitably has benefited from his rich father and therefore paved the way for him to go, and that he now works in the family business or a business set up by his father. Way to go. You have successfully done absolutely nothing for yourself for the first two decades of your life. He will also find time to complain about how hard and complex his life is, because having lots of free time and exorbitant amounts of money is very hard to deal with. Really.

Lesson to learn: The only girls who care this much about money are called gold diggers and they probably should be quarantined in labor camps. Good luck with that.

"I'm really insecure."
He is overly emotional and shares all his feelings with you right away. He takes FOREVER to initiate anything with girl in fear that if it does not go as planned he will break down... and cry...again. He also constantly plots and schemes about how he can turn over the reins of the relationship to the girl. He has a tendency to be paranoid past the point of what is accepted as medical condition found in the DSM. If you talk to any other male, even if you are related to him, he gets jealous and immediately thinks that you are plotting to back stab him. The Needy Guy also doubts himself and needs constant reassurance about his relationship, work, friendships, pants, shoes, cell phone plan, date ideas, going on dates, talking....

Also, this guy absolutely has the HIGHEST propensity to be the smotherer of the relationship. He will over compensate, over achieve, he'll be the guy that you have to ignore a little, kick out, stop calling/texting, just because you realize that you really don't want him around ALL THE TIME. If you aren't careful you will be smothered more quickly than a girl would say 'yes' to Zac Efron for a date. His answer to everything is a cliche yet overblown joke/serenade/apology/attempt at being nice that, in all honesty, works against him.

Lesson to learn: Don't be a sissy. Don't drown her.

"Mr Predictable"
Super nice guys, super predictable and potentially super boring. Girls don't like the Predictable Guy because they know exactly how he'll react to everything. He follows simple formulas and never wants to do anything differently. For example, he'd never surprise a woman by spontaneously taking her out for the night. He gets ideas from a totally worthless collection of dating advice that somehow appears to be good ideas for him. He is the one guy who falls for every major ad campaign that has to do with buying something for a girl, even though the girl knows about it, or even used the same idea as a suggestion of something not to do. Well, this guy's creativity is more neglected than that jar of peanut butter that is always in your cupboard, has been for years, remains untouched for months at a time, and yet instead of using it you just wait until you think its bad and buy another jar. It's a vicious cycle. What do you expect?

Oh and if you are dating him, make sure you secretly write scripts of good lines and good ideas for him to do because if you don't, you might go out on each of his three planned dates more times than you get the urge to watch a film made from a Jane Austen novel. Yikes.

This is the guy that you can date vicariously...through your imagination...

Lesson to learn: Be exciting, even if you have to steal ideas from movies or books, try it. Seriously.

"I can only talk to you when ESPN is not on."
There are sports. There are guys who don't mind sports. There are guys who love sports. Finally, we have the guys that form unhealthy emotional attachments to any or all objects that allow them to delve deeper into their sport addiction. Now to be honest, there is a very fine line between those of us you love sports and those of us who happen to be tragically and maniacally addicted. One might ask, "Where do you draw the line?"

If a dude would rather watch a game, even if it is 'really important' than spend time with you, even if it seems not 'that important' then he has a problem and you should encourage him to get involved in a 12 step program. Because if his team is playing, you might as well assume that communication is down between you two, kind of like when you get a busy signal on the phone, except you are not on the phone, you are in front of his face and instead of a really annoying tone you have a blank stare focused on the tv. This guy wants all the sports channels and will watch the same replay and/or sport analysis as long as some dumb commentator/anchor is talking about it. Which could be for days on end.

Tivo won't cure anything, it is only for rational people.

If you find out that he is a fanatic, you might need to do something drastic for him to snap out of it, like hitting him, shouting, setting the house on fire, not contacting him for days/weeks, allowing somebody to take his blood for a donation, selling his things...etc. Just be patient.



"I'd Date Me."
The feared Gym work out fiend. This guy is the one who, if you did a statistical analysis, spends more time in 'gym' clothes than in 'street' clothes. He makes his own tank tops, he flexes and feels his own muscles often, he makes you feel like a fat loser by constantly criticizing your diet and always talking about how much he lifts, his body fat percentage, his gains and losses, and how he needs to work on getting his abs just a little more toned. If you happen to be at the gym, you are usually safe, because if there is a mirror and this dude in the same room, I promise he won't even notice you, he'll be staring at himself or checking out other dudes to make sure that he is as hot has he thinks he is. If you watch him closely you might be able to catch that same look he uses on girls that he is attracted to, but instead of girls, it will usually end up being himself...or his reflection. He fell victim to that oft told lie that more muscle mass actually equates or even makes up for the fact that his entire personality consists of gaining more muscle.

Wrong.

Muscle is better than no muscle, more muscle is better than muscle, personality is better than more muscle. Muscle is worthless unless you have a personality. Personality=other stuff besides gaining muscle.

Right.

Again there is a fine line between striving to healthy and being a fanatic. The magic is yet again, if you notice him intentionally missing time which he could be clearly be spending with you to be with his gym buddies and/or go to the gym for hours at a time.....red flag...yikes...

Lesson to Learn: There are people out there...somewhere..that actually care more about who you are than what you look like...

The Manchild
This is the eternal child. So yeah, we are all immature, all guys have some immaturity, but this problem is much deeper. This is the dude who is like that one out of control kid everybody had in fourth grade, the one who hit kids, yelled, ruined recess hundreds of times, stole pencils, blamed people for mishaps during class activities, believed that they deserved everything they wanted, even if they didn't want it.

I understand that some things are hard to understand or find in life. Most of us struggle with money, true love, confidence, self-actualization etc..
Reality, as it turns out, seems to be a rather elusive thing for these guys.


Why go to bed? Why go to school? Why study? Why get a job? Why eat vegetables? Why eat? Why say no? Why say yes? Why be nice? Why get up? Why be on time? Why learn to cook? Why do laundry? Why do it myself when my mom can do it for me?

...

Why are you talking?


Lesson to learn: Fifth grade was cool...but how many fifth graders do you see getting married? Going on dates? Living on there own?

"The Perpetual Broken Heart."
At first you might think that he is sensitive, emotional type that will always be ready and willing to listen to you...
But soon you find out that what we really wants to do is talk about his problems, his broken relationships, and after a few telling encounters you realize that he is still nursing a broken heart from a broken relationship that broke down long ago....ok, that is not THAT bad right?

But then you come to find out that it isn't the fact that he is broken hearted but already committed to never caring about another person again. You can spend hours talking, have great moments that should bond two people together, but sorry, it's too late, you will most likely never get through, and let's be honest, you probably never will. If you don't see any progress over several months, peace out. Leave the drippy faucet to drown in his own sappy story of why he can't go on.

Lesson to learn: Sometimes apathy is cool, and sometimes it is awesome. No one will care about your broken heart if you don't care about trying to do SOMETHING about it.

The Phantom
Not the guy who wears masks and kills people, this is the type of guy that is more or less impressive in several ways. He is talented in many areas, he is nice, has great social skills, he is funny and/or charming/charismatic, he has direction in his life, he is confident and spontaneous, he has a certain presence, he is aware of a lot of things(which might include you)...so things look good right? He seems to have great potential right? Well....
.... he is also elusive, mysterious, ambiguous, hard to read, inconsistent, frustrating, aloof....
So I guess he IS a little like the phantom that sings and kills people...there is the outer layer, or the mask, but no matter how you try and what you do....the statistics say that you will never get past the mask and really get to know his personality. If you wish to engage with this type of guy, start praying for patience and understanding, because tearing down this wall will be an uphill battle the whole time....with no promise that the reward will be worth it. Also, if he catches on, and he usually will, that you are on to him and want to breach the barrier, well, good luck, he'll be aware and will make it harder for you to do that...

This is not for the faint of heart, getting to know the man behind the mask can be more difficult than reading the twilight series without a good stash of prescription drugs....

Lesson to learn: Dangle, dangle....

The Devils:
STAY AWAY FROM THESE!!!

The Womanizer:
If you are dealing this chap then you are in for some serious punishment, because this dude thinks that every girl is his toy with which he can play. It does not matter if you guys are dating and you are the most wonderful, beautiful girl in the word, or at least in his life, he will take the forbidden fruit...every-time, he won't care how you feel or will refuse to see why his actions are negative, because he just does not care. He feeds his ego on how many girls he can take advantage of...and trust me, that is ALL that matters to him...


Misogynist Monster:
Under a thin veneer of charm and rationality lies a totally crazy, cruel monster that somehow gets pleasure from hurting people. If you like your self esteem, personality, your emotional stability, or your physical well being, then run away from these guys, or bury them in the ground...



The Ignorant Chauvinist:
Argumentative, ignorant, negative. He has gone his entire life in denial that women have gained power over the last 50+ years. He hates Hilary Clinton and Sarah Palin because they’re women and hates Barack Obama because he’s black. He thinks every woman should be a housewife stay in the kitchen or clean the living room at all times and doesn’t support women corporate executives. If you can’t respect women, you will live and die, cold and lonely. Write that down.




Conclusion

Well Some of you have noticed that Mr. Right does not exist, and I have given no description of him. Well, I guess I owe at least somebody an explanation?
Here is why, because he does not exist, he simply does not exist. You might think he does, and some of you are totally convinced that you have or will find him. I am here to tell you that that is a fallacy....

..kind of...

You see you will meet one of these silly guys one day, and you will talk and chat and think he is pretty cool. You will do this again, and you will think that he is even more cool, and again, and more cool, and again, and more cool, and soon he might even be amazing, but guess what? He is still one of those silly guys...

..kind of..

You see when you saw him around you, he felt something, and it made him want to be better, and he was, and then when he was around( or not even around) you, he still wanted to be better, and he was. Soon enough, he finds it a lot easier to let go of stuff that was holding him back...and here, right here, we find your "Mr. Right."
You see how lucky we are?
We simply don't deserve you.

We don't deserve you...

We don't deserve you...

We don't deserve you.

Music

If you have an upcoming wedding/special event, let us know about it! My friend and I have finally decided to put our talents together for a service to provide background music!! I play the violin and my friend plays the piano and we would be thrilled to come and play for you! We already have a great selection of music but let us know if something would be more fitting for your needs!
Here is my email if you are interested: colloquialism@gmail.com
Thank you.